


Contemporary Employee Relations

by Palgrave (goldenrod)



Category: Community
Genre: 5 Things, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenrod/pseuds/Palgrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five jobs Britta Perry was fired from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contemporary Employee Relations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zincrose](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=zincrose).



> Another short submission for the community-tv Summer School Fic Battle, based on another awesome prompt, this time from **zincrose** ('Five jobs Britta was fired from..'). Feedback, comments and kudos welcome and gratefully received. Enjoy!

**_The Virgin Mary_ **

Britta Perry would be the perfect candidate for the role of the Virgin Mary in the school’s nativity play, Mrs. O'Hara thought. Such a pretty, out-going little girl; she’d do a great job.

“Okay, boys and girls,” she said cheerfully as the children milled around her. “You’re all looking forward to the nativity play, right?”

Mrs. O’Hara was a little surprised when Britta’s hand shot up. “Yes, Britta, you have a question?”

“Mrs. O’Hara,” Britta said seriously, “doesn’t the staging of a nativity play in a public school violate the separation of church and state?”

It was not the sort of question you expected from a seven-year-old.

“Well, I don’t...”

"And what about those of us who don't celebrate Christmas? Don't they deserve some kind of acknowledgement?"

"Well, they're certainly welcome to..."

“And isn’t celebrating the birth of Jesus merely providing support to an outdated system of patriarchal and misogynistic religious practices that continue to tacitly condone the oppression of women and minorities throughout the globe?” the girl chirruped.

On second thoughts, Mrs. O’Hara thought, I’ll give the part to little Jenny Munroe instead.

 

*

 

**_Newspaper Delivery Girl_ **

“Britta!” Mr. Edelstein shouted.

The girl dressed entirely in black slouched into the store sullenly. She’d dyed her hair purple today. “What?” She mumbled.

“The Johansons didn’t get their copy of the _Times_ today. Again. Care to explain why not?”

The girl shrugged. “I’unno.”

“You did deliver it, didn’t you?”

Britta shuffled. “Yeah.”

“So how come I just got a phone-call from Eric Johanson saying they didn’t get it?”

“ _God_ ,” Britta exploded suddenly, “you are such a _fascist_!”

The last straw snapped. “That’s it. I’ve had enough. Get out of my store and don’t come back. You’re fired.”

For a split second, Britta actually looked surprised and hurt, and Mr. Edelstein thought she was going to cry, but then the anger took over. “Fine! Whatever! I don’t care! Keep your stupid job! And you can’t fire me, because I quit!”

She turned and swept out, pausing only at the door to glare at him again. “And for your _information_ ,” she said imperiously, “the _New York Times_ is nothing more than the propaganda arm of a corrupt fascist hegemonic junta!”

She was, Mr. Edelstein had to concede, very good at impressively slamming doors behind her.

 

*

 

**_Donny's Takeaway Pizza_ **

"Look, maybe the garlic bread... exploded by itself."

"..."

"I mean, think about it. You know the kind of chemicals they're putting in food these days? I read an article in this homeopathic journal that said..."

"Get. Out."

 

*

 

**_Administrative Support Officer_ **

“Ms. Perry, do you know why I called you in here this afternoon?”

“No, Mr. Blackwood, I don’t.”

“Ms. Perry, here at Sunfarm Insurance Inc., we like to consider ourselves a family. And you know what makes a family happy, Ms. Perry... Ms Perry, I'm not sure I have your full attention.”

"Oh, sorry, Mr. Blackwood. I'm just _really_ high right now."

"..."

"... Did I say that out loud?"

 

*

 

**_~~Stripper~~ Exotic Dancer_ **

Britta spent an hour on the street in front of the club watching the GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS sign blink on and off, biting her lip and trying to convince herself that she and Mr. Squigglesworth needed food and she wasn’t a traitor to herself and her gender before screwing up the nerve to walk in. Once she was in the itchy, clingy lingerie the owner, a guy named Jimmy, looked her up and down in a way that made her skin crawl.

“Yeah,” he sneered, “I reckon you’ll do well around here.”

However, it didn’t take long for her dragged backstage by Jimmy in a fashion she did not appreciate, with such force that she almost toppled over in her ludicrous platform heels.

“The fuck you doin’ out there?” Jimmy demanded. “The guy you were talkin' to is pissed.”

“Look, I just thought...”

“Look, sweetheart; you ain’t here to think. You’re here to laugh at their jokes and let ‘em see your tits. You got that?” Jimmy sighed, pasted a shit-eating grin on his face and put a hand on her shoulder. “Okay, look. Your first night, and all. I can overlook this. But if I do, you gotta do somethin’ for me in return.” His hands started to stroke the bare skin of her shoulder. “You, uh, know what I’m sayin’?”

“Excuse me?” Britta replied in a voice that could have frozen mercury.

One minute later, Jimmy was rolling on the floor with extremely sensitive testicles. The power went off in her apartment a couple of days later, but she held her head up high all the same.


End file.
